rainy

So I guess my husband, without discussing it with me at all, was super depressed about my recent decision to jump back in with the pictures and my sexy blog. He never even mentioned to me that he cared or was upset that it was starting up again - he went to my sister. Who can't keep a secret and my entire family is now worried that he's having a mental break down because I'm posting my pussy on the internet. So after getting a fucking lecture from everyone in my family I realized - why the fuck am I still fighting this fight. So I shut down my blog. I made it "Author Only" and it says it would appear as Private but apparently it says to enter your e-mail and then says you're either in or out. NO ONE is allowed in. The only reason I am doing this is because it would physically kill me right now to delete it. So much hard work and great memories. I refuse.

So I won't be uploading any nudes. Potentially forever. My blog is shut down. I deleted all my pictures on other sites. I feel trapped here. My entire family is treating me like a mental case / criminal / homewrecker for being into this hobby. So fuck it.

(Warning: This part is just a vent and I know how immature it is) How do I feel about this? I want a divorce. I want to leave the country. I hate everyone around me right now. I feel like my husband got my family to gang up on me to get his anti-camming agenda done and in doing so breached my trust with him 100%. My sisters all knew so it wasn't like he was dropping a bombshell - the bombshell was him going to them in confidence and acting like he was going to die if I didn't quit and making me out to be some kinda monster-whore. I'm pissed. I hate him right now.

And once I deleted it all...he's all, YAY! ::HUGGS:: NOW we can start HEALING...healing is the last thing on my fucking mind I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone right now. Argh. I am MAD. And that's why I am just taking some time to cool off so I don't do something stupid. But shit. I am one angry person right now. But I know there's more important things in life than a blog hobby or enjoying exhibitionist behaviors and my family is super important to me. But I hate that feeling like, if someone can just rip something you care about away from you and not even give a shit and everyone loves you EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE THING....they're liars. They don't really love you at all.

Maybe I am just super lucky because in all the years I've used vibrators, I used to go through about 1 a year. And this was with a LOT of use. I used to buy the cheapest, just plain wand looking vibrators that are on the market and they would LAST for like, 8-15 months. When it started needing batteries all the time or overheating or making weird noises - no biggie, just reorder and keep on keepin' on. The vibrator I used on my Camwhores show - was the love of my life. We were together for a YEAR AND A HALF before it started to make weird noises and needed me to kind of hit it to get it started. Sounds like other relationships after a year maybe. I loved that vibrator so much I ordered it (in Red) intending to begin another love affair. And....right out of the box, the vibration on FULL speed felt like a dying battery and it made a crazy motor sound. I can't use that one to get off. I was sad. But luckily, the Purple one was still workable in an emergency so I went back to it. And squeezed another 5 months out of that baby! That's goddamn near TWO YEARS with one machine.

But it has completely died now. I fucked it to death. And so I decided....that Red one was a fluke, this one lasted so great, I am ordering it AGAIN. I have it here it is purple and just the same but the vibrations on this thing are not pleasing. I don't know what's wrong with it but it isn't doing the trick for me. So if you're keeping track this is 60 dollars in the last year on the same model of vibrator and neither of them work. I've been having to use really old vibrators that I have to beat on them to get them started and then their batteries die within a week. It's expensive on batteries!!!!

So I ordered a new type. Another 30 dollars for a new vibrator and it had this stupid dial on the end where you could choose between "Low" AKA "Yeah that's not working" and "High" AKA "The only setting this one needs." And today, after less than a week of ownership, it died. The dial broke the fuck off. I am so angry right now. All my life it was like, a vibrator a year, and now my drawer is OVER FLOWING with crap and none of it gets me off. What gives.

I just bought four new vibrators. I will report back on the success rate of these four. I am a very sexually frustrated girl.

So I am really getting into running and my goal was this year to take it to a different level by participating in more organized runs. The biggest deal run in my city is the one everyone knows about and it's a 15k (about 9 miles I suck at conversions) and I already can run 6 miles at a 10 mph pace (not great but not slow) and know I could finish that race. I really want to do it. I haven't paid the entry fee yet but I have already talked about it, and got my sister in on it, and in my head it was a 90% sure thing (as long as I was physically able to do it I was going to do it)

Except I found out last night, one of my best friends is having her baby shower that day. And she had the great idea that since baby showers are usually in the afternoon and waste a whole day she's having it very early at 10......I pointed out that was the date of our city's biggest running event. And she was like, oh have you registered to do it? No? Oh then what's the problem?

Well, now I 100% can't do both so I can either run like I planned or I can go to her baby shower. She is a really super good friend of mine, always supportive and comes to all of my events, and I see her every month at girl's dinner and she's really one of my absolute favorite people to be around. Not to mention the little bundle of joy has been a work in progress for YEARS for her and I couldn't be happier that she's finally becoming a mommy.

Arrrrgh. I am so unbelievably bummed though that I can't run the event. So then I think maybe I should just go for it anyways and buy her an expensive present and send my regrets. I do see her very often I know she'd forgive me. But friends are more important that running a stupid race.

Oh well.

I kinda dropped off the face of the planet for the holidays. And I really can't express enough how much this irritates me. I don't know why but Christmas is just a huge fucking chore to me and I hate everything about it. I am not a religious person so you name a holiday in December and I don't celebrate it. But that doesn't stop Christmas from wrecking my life. Maybe some people feel that joy of finding the PERFECT gift for someone. Even when I try, I am never that person. My gifts are more "look, see, I spent 20$ on you, now shut up." Some do better than others but I just don't really care. I'd rather get no one anything and not get anything. My husband doesn't help this by being the goddamn worst gift giver ever. I bought him tons of clothes, funny shirts, adult Legos and even a fucking remote control helicopter he wouldn't shut up about (after I'd already thought I was FINISHED with him I had to go to Toys R Us the WEEK OF CHRISTMAS to purchase that) and he got me...like, a pan for cooking, some pajamas and a calendar. I did ALL the shopping for my family, him, my baby, my friends, EVERYONE and I got the least amount of presents of anyone.

And you can shove that "it's about giving who cares what you get" bullshit right down your goddamn throat WHY AM I DOING THIS IF MY REWARD IS A JANUARY OF DEBT AND TWO MONTHS OF SHOPPING AND IRRITATION!!! FUCK CHRISTMAS.

And you can't just sit it out and not do presents. I have tried that before and you just end up at the big fucking asshole everyone's pissed at. Nope, opting out IS NOT an option. And it wouldn't be so bad I guess if it stopped there. Okay here's your presents go away...oh no, you gotta decorate the house. Don't you love your baby?? Decorate the house and put up a dust gathering tree and make your house look cluttered and gross with jolly shit for a month. Christmas Cards? If you don't have a family photograph of you guys staring slightly to the right in matching sweaters you fucking failed. I didn't even send them out...AGAIN...this year. I intended to. I just fucking fail at Christmas every year! I bought the stamps...I have years worth of failed attempt cards piled up...I started to write out messages! Aaaand...then nothing.

Even the fun parts of Christmas...the parties. Can't we all just agree to space this shit out people? I actually stop having stuff to say to my friends at party #4.

"So. Whatcha been up to since Wednesday. Oh yeah? Me too. Yeah Shopping right now is a nightmare. Cool. Well, MORE BEER SO I CAN TOLERATE THIS BOREDOM"

And then you end up over eating. Over drinking. It's all piled on in this one month. I actually MISS and WANT to see my friends other months but no we all have parties within a week of each other. I had a "Secret Santa" where my friends and I all exchanged gifts, then an "End of the World" party then the yearly Christmas Party...then my family Christmas Parties. It's like, hey lets take a good thing and violently destroy it until you hate it.

So yeah I have been inactive and not even necessarily enjoying myself. Instead of taking pictures and writing stories and relaxing I've been decorating my house, shopping shopping shopping, then undoing all that bullshit.

And I went skiing which was awesome but I came back to....you guessed it, Christmas Tree!!! Tons of toys everywhere!!! There is really nothing sadder than Christmas on January 2nd it's like. So. Over.

Okay this was fun to write. Now back to cleaning so I can get life back to normal. I had a huge test last Friday and Today so laundry and organization had to be put on pause but those are over so I can finally relax and hang out again.

Hope your holidays didn't suck too bad

So this year my husband's Xmas party was at the boss's house (see: mansion). It was a super nice party everyone was awesome food was great. No drinking! So....how awkward could this be right?

Well, the boss is an older gentleman and was happily leading a tour of the house. Turns out, the downstairs bathroom has a walk through to the beautiful pool area out back. As the tour group arrives at the bathroom door, another man who works there is surprised as hell to see half the party standing there. He laughs and walks off quickly and we all walk through this bathroom to look at the pool.

Oh my god the smell. I feel bad for the guy because maybe it wasn't him, maybe it smelled that way when he got there, but me being immature I was fucking dying inside laughing - my husband's blushing telling me to shut up - and I just felt so bad for the guy. Because that's what everyone wants at their company Xmas party - to have the boss lead a tour group through the bathroom after you smell it up.

I am glad I won't be suffering through any office parties of my own this year though I'm glad I got to go to this one. I feel my office party awkward meter has been filled.

Courtesy Flush Could save your life lolz

Hey - I know I keep mentioning it but just saying, today is my ACTUAL Birthday I am totally sick too so it's kinda lamesauce. BUT, my girls took me out for a manicure and lunch and my husband made us dinner reservations for a romantic dinner together this evening. Super excited to eat dessert tonight but damn I really need to stop eating badly. That's the worst part about these Thanksgiving birthdays. I think to myself "after Thanksgiving I'll diet" but then I remember Birthday Cake and I'm like...okay well not until after the Birthday.

But it's a Wednesday. Who the fuck starts a new diet on a Wednesday? No one I know of. Plus, It's my Birthday Aww yeah

So I went out for my thirtieth birthday last night. We rented out a karaoke room from 7-11 so that is where the main party took place. I am pretty terrible at singing. Horribly so really. Which is why I love karaoke because I feel like to some extent the worse you are the better it is to watch you crash and burn with a microphone in your hand. I'm good at karaoke. I sing such classics as "In da club" and "dick in a box" and who can forget my soulful rendition of "say it ain't so." So yeah. It was all sorts of amazing awfulness in your face. My sister made me a sea salt and caramel cake which was absolutely at amazing as it sounds. I'm now hung over wondering where the fuck the rest of it is....anyways, i digress.

The second part of the night was a trip to a strip club. You see, I've never been before. Sadly I was already pretty drunk so most of the experience is kind of a blur but this much I know for sure: there were naked. girls. everywhere. Saturday night is definitely the A game the girls were fucking fantastic to look at and I was enjoying it. My husband was the only man who made it to the strip club since my bro-in-law started blowing chunks in the parking lot of the karaoke bar so....he had to go home and brother-in-law 2 had to escort him. So it was just me, my sisters and cousin, and my husband. Keepin' it in the family.

I have never been to a strip club so if you have never been here's some ideas of what it's like. Girls are barely wearing clothes. Then they take those clothes off. While gyrating on the floor. If you put a dollar or a few out there the girl will slither on over to where you are seated and spread her legs really wide or possibly push your head into her cleavage. My favorite chick was dressed like a sex nun then got naked down to her crucifix and panties. mmm.

I got a private dance which was crazy because I was supposed to be picking my favorite girl but then some stripper got overzealous with my sister and was like, buy a dance, so she did but was like, take my sister it's her birthday not me. So I didn't get to pick the girl which is fine because she was probably one of the hottest girls there. Her body was like, perfect, she had a lot of tattoos which aren't usually my thing but drunk me was all, fuck it, I wanted to see all those tats. She was sitting next to me and flirting with me and asking me about myself. I was like, whoa, this chick and I are really hitting it off. Then the music changed and she danced all over me cutting off the conversation mid-sentence. I asked if I could touch her and she said "yes" but then when I touched her she said "not there or i'll get in trouble."

It was then I realized why guys like strip clubs lol. What's not to like? Super ridiculous hot girls show their tits, grind on you, and pretend to give a shit about what you say. And there's little they won't do for a dollar I saw them crawl over 20 feet of stage to get them. It was amazing.

In typical me fashion I somehow managed to find the one off the clock stripper chilling at the bar and talk for a half hour about our kids. Baby was at the sitter over night and even though I was being a drunk terrible person I still missed the bastard. Motherhood. Dammit.

So that's my first, still hung the fuck over possibly a little drunk, thoughts on the strip club and my birthday party. Naked chicks. Too much to drink. Me singing 50 Cent. It really had it all IMO.

I have been in and out of this place and pretty quiet for a few months. Just dropping a quick line to let you guys know I am actually doing awesome. All that depression is pretty much gone. There are a few things I'm not ready to do yet (like write about the experience or talk about how much I want to be pregnant right now, etc) but when I am not thinking of the past months (which is usually) I am feeling....normal Good even.

I am getting back "in shape" for new material to stay active on here. I would hate to see myself go inactive after fighting so long to get on here. And yeah the newest pictures are new, but before that I was throwing up anything I had laying about in desperation to avoid going inactive. My safety net of pictures is kinda spent at this point. And I say "in shape" just because I gained like, whatever 5 lbs with the whole binge eating depression routine and while I am great at maintaining a weight I am bad at losing and it is a slow and arduous process. I'm aware 5 lbs doesn't even probably affect the pictures but it affects my view of the pictures AND I use pictures as a motivator. "If you can just not eat this cake and run tomorrow.....you'll be taking pictures by next Friday! WHEE! DO IT!" Some people need motivation and this is just mine I guess.

There's some rough patches ahead this week for the diet though. 1. Thanksgiving. It's a holiday if you need more info on it, I'm sorry. 2. My BIRTHDAY. And Yeah I'm turning 30 and I don't care who knows it or thinks that's old. Except Jay, I am turning 19 1/2 if he asks. No one show him this blog please. There will be strippers at my dirty thirty celebration. I can't fucking wait.

So there you go, FINALLY A HAPPY UPDATE from ME! YAY! Bring on the food.

I'm not an idiot. I know that if you take a 2 year old to Disney World you can expect that you will be a pack mule for a diaper bag full of supplies, a snack pack, and a stroller that the child may not even use. You can also expect many tantrums, tons of thrown away (overpriced) food the child refuses to eat, and the never ending chase through the parks after this indefatigable toddler. But that's all worth it right? For those brief moments when your child gazes around in wonder and wants you to pick him up so he can see Mickey Mouse....

WRONG.

So fucking wrong.

My experience may have been different than others but oh my god it was horrible. The main issue is that we went with a large group of family (two grandparents, my husband and I, and his brother's family of four). We decided on the first day that we would split off from the group: just the three of us. Very cozy! Except my son screamed bloody murder all the way from the hotel to the park. No big deal, he wants his grandparents, but he'll soon be at motherfucking Disney World. Boom.

We got there and rode the tram which he thought was the most awesome thing ever until we rode the monorail! Holy shit, that was awesome. Then the day just got better because we walked through those gates and his eyes are like saucers. What is this place, his child brain wonders, as he sees Main Street that dead ends into....a castle?? We made a beeline for Fantasy Land because it has the most kid rides. After the carousel he threw a small fit because he wanted to ride again.....so I tempted him. "Wanna go on a BOAT ride???" YEAH!!!! Small World.

He loved that ride he was amazed at the creatures and whatever. Then we got a fast pass ticket, even though the lines were all very manageable. We got a bonus fast pass so we ended up with two options: Dumbo!!!! and the new (at least I don't remember it from my childhood visits) Winnie-the-Pooh Ride. Well, Dumbo is awesome so we went there. And he loved it. So now we've had an hour of park BLISS. I'm snapping pictures like crazy, we're all laughing and giggling. Yeah it's hot, we're overloaded, and the child is constantly pouting about SOMEthing (i wanna see that, I wanna ride again, I wanna swim in the water on the small world ride, etc). But it's as good as we can hope.

And then it happens. The game changing moment. We get done with Dumbo and he sees this new addition of a splash park. It looks like a circus train that's stopped with all kinds of animals in it and they are spraying water. And he wants to get wet. RIGHT. NOW. So I made that parental decision to go ride the Pooh Ride (the ticket expired in 30 minutes) THEN hit the water park and pretty much call it a day. After he's drenched we're screwed because he'll need a new diaper, new clothes, and it'll be lunch time so we'll need to leave. Okay. Lets put this plan in action.....cue tantrum.

We made it to Winnie the Pooh and he fucking LOVES Pooh. He sleeps with one. He loves the movie. I know he'll stop crying when we walk on (no line with fast pass). And he screamed through the ride. He kicked the seat of the little 3 year old girl in front of us ruining HER ride (she had to wait in the 40 minute line as well). I felt HORRIBLE. And when he got to the end he stopped crying suddenly and demanded to ride AGAIN. So holy shit balls I am dealing with the tantrum of the century that's going on 15 minutes now and so we pull him into a restraunt deciding to let him scream it out and calm down and get some lunch. Except he doesn't calm down.

My husband walks to buy food leaving me hauling the baby, the bag, and the stroller....when he decides to go dead weight on me. So I drag him to the outdoor seating area and he isn't going to stop. So we just agreed that we had to leave the park. It's my parental belief that if a kid throws a tantrum about something....you don't give in to it. That's the last thing I would do. So if he hates Disney this much....we're leaving.

Cue Grandparents. And this is where the nightmare really starts. They are amazing people. Beautiful people. My father in law had a 30-60 pound kid in his arms for THREE days strait never tiring. They're miracle workers. But they spoiled my kid rotten. He decided, since I was the only one telling him "no" to anything, that he didn't want me to be near him. He would hit me, and scream "NO MAMA" and the grandparents....would laugh. If I said "one ice cream is enough for a day, you can't have another" he would hit me, and they would laugh and buy him one. I was miserably depressed watching my child have those glorious moments...without me. I literally carried the bags and strollers and was hit and pushed away by my son for three days. Anytime I tried to stand up for myself, the kid threw a tantrum, and ruined the entire group's time. So I stopped. I just walked like a zombie. ...

Just a warning that if you don't like blogs about heavy stuff and bad news. Move along lol.

I know I haven't been around as much. Not posting and not hanging out. I don't really want to discuss it much but I realize people here are my friends and are concerned and probably some of the well meant statements that have hurt my feelings wouldn't have even been said if people knew what was going on. So long story short. I miscarried.

I went in a week ago to confirm a pregnancy and was instead greeted with a small embryo and no heartbeat. I just kinda went catatonic for a while. Too sad to get out of bed or shower that kind of thing. Then that weekend was a world of pain and I thought I could move on this week. Nope. My follow up confirmed I hadn't even begun to pass it but it was definitely happening, amniotic sack had collapsed and embryo no longer visible. Doctor prescribed pills to help me cramp and pass the matter and so I spent all day yesterday in pain and on meds. I hope it's all behind me now and I can start moving on. But I'm still really fucking sad. And I'm just going to allow myself to be.

So sorry that I haven't been around. I'm a very happy, upbeat person so I am not used to feeling this way and wasn't expecting this at all. I don't want to bring my bad feelings into a place like this where I love to just cut loose and have fun. So I choose not to. But being vague led to some well meant comments causing me to feel pretty shitty.

Not trying to be a downer, just trying to keep it honest since I'm not used to keeping secrets around here I'm usually brutally honest so there ya go. And feel free to NOT discuss this with me on tag Lets just have fun. It helps more than you know