allisonwilder

I'm finding it really difficult to get motivated to get up off my lazy ass and get some organizing done. I know I'm living in chaos because nothing has a place, but I'm going to pretend that it's dis-organizational organization and call it good until I kick my own ass into gear.

I'm anxiously awaiting two new toys from edenfantasys so that I can spice up my masturbation. Fingers are great and they're always on standby, but I'm excited for some vibrations again.

Woot!

I've been unemployed for a month, it's been wonderful. I've made a lot of life changes since I left my job and I could not be happier. I have not seen R in two weeks and the only time we've talked was when he was asking why I don't come around anymore or text him. It doesn't make me sad at all. I guess I just needed to live through it to be able to confidently walk away. I see his facebook posts about how he's playing drinking games and hitting up bars and shows and mostly what I'm thinking is that if I was doing that, I'd be missing out on quality time with my kid, my friends and the rest of my family. I'm definitely missing the friend aspect. I bounced all my ideas off of him, got advice and support from him and had someone to hold me in the middle of the night. Luckily, I have great friends, on and offline, that prove to be just as great at that, minus the cuddles. (Although, I'm sure I could get some cuddles if I really wanted to try.)

The Vitamin D seems to be helping a lot. 50,000 units a week for 8 weeks scared the bejesus out of me, but I've taken it twice now, the third time will be this Thursday and I feel so much better. I have some energy, I feel motivated to do more than just lay in bed and I've lost 10 pounds since I started with all the pills they put me on. I don't know why I'm losing weight, but I so needed to drop pounds that I don't even care.

I'm just, like, happy for a change. It's such a relief.

I'm anticipating big changes in my location in the near future. I'm tired of living in a tiny town near a big lake in Minnesota. My life feels so limited here, like I'm always in the same circle of people that keep bringing me down with them. I would love to live somewhere warm. California, Florida and Nevada all sound like nice places to me. I know that it would be a big change, but I think it could ultimately do me a world of good. I'm going to run the idea past my kids dad and see what he thinks and how we could handle custody. I don't want to be with him right now so I don't think that I would bring him along, although it is a nice idea to have someone along that I mesh so well with already. Maybe it's just because it's late at night and I'm in a bad mood over all the terrible decisions I've made lately. Everything always seems so much worse in the middle of the night for some reason. Like the whole world fucking revolves around me and my personal life or something.

I've been so sick/tired/depressed lately that I just said fuck it all and made myself an all-intrusive appointment with my primary doctor. I was questioned, poked, prodded, felt up and cranked open but now I have some answers. Finally. I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency that seems to be causing a lot of my troubles. I googled it after we hung up (she personally called me with my test results) and found that a lot of the things I've been experiencing could be due to this deficit and not postpartum depression like I've been diagnosed with. She changed my birth control because apparently my old one was the reason as to why I can't lose weight. I've never heard that, but I'll run with it for now. It feels good to think that I might not actually be depressed because I don't feel depressed. It just never seemed to fit. This is something that feels like it fits. Due to my complete lack of vitamin D, I've been started on 50,000 units for 8 weeks, at which time I'll go back in and get re-tested and hopefully I won't need to continue with the wellbutrin as my vitamin D levels will have risen, making me feel better.

I also found out that I have a bladder infection and was started on an anti-biotic that will apparently make me violently ill if I consume alcohol, so I'll be going without for a couple weeks.

*sigh of relief*

The way he kisses me, it’s incredible. I’m always putty in his hands. I try so hard to be strong, resist, not kiss back, not touch back, not let his hands wander but I always fail. Always fail. He told me he could have me whenever he wanted me. That I’m a sure thing, always a sure thing. I hate that anyone thinks that they can have me whenever they want me. I went there with the intention of getting fucked. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was flirting, I knew I was trying to get him to bed with me. I know what bed with him is like and I can’t get enough. And then he said I’m a sure thing. It was seriously a slap in the face to hear that. I accepted the challenge, said if that’s how he feels then he can’t have me anymore. I knew it was fucking crap. I knew that if he kissed me, pulled my hair back that I’d be done for. I held out for a while. I held out after I was naked with his face buried in my lady bits. I was loving the thought of him making me cum over and over again and then just saying that’s enough. I couldn’t do it. He shoved his fingers in me, he just pounded me hard, harder. I knew I needed him. I begged for it. I had to admit defeat before he would shove his cock inside me but I didn’t care anymore. Maybe I was a sure thing but the way my head was spinning, I just didn’t give a fuck anymore. I wanted to cum on his cock. I wanted him to explode inside me. I just needed him. It was intense. I could hardly breathe with his mouth on mine, his body pressed against mine. It was amazing that orgasm was, it was one of the best. I can’t get enough, I can never get enough.

I know I should feel used, but I don’t. I think it’s mutual. I don’t have any desire to be with him beyond the physical pull I feel. It’s like magnetic. I know I should walk away, but that passion and desire, it has such a hold on me. Even now, days later, I get chills just thinking about it.

I feel better every day. I'm loving this. I've even gone back to camming and thoroughly enjoy it again. Well, except for my crazy family trying to intrude on my privacy all the time. Thank goodness for having the only room with a lock on the door.

I think I've already explained my living situation here and that alone is comical. Late Friday night, my aunt and uncle decided they were going to have a yard sale on Saturday (that gave them about 12 hours to set it all up, great success it was not). Basically what they did was put a bunch of unwanted junk in small piles throughout our yard and then proceed to sit on the porch and drink the day away. It wouldn't have even bothered me as I could just leave through the garage and never have to deal with the mess, but they brought out a tiny boombox and blasted some strange country-ish type of folk Christian music like they were having a religious hoe-down and not a yard sale. This is my childhood home so I had a lot of funny comments on my facebook page from people that were like, oh, Allie's drunkle is at it again. Fortunately, they're no strangers to the shenanigans that go on here as every year my uncle does things like take the leaf-blower to the sand left behind after the snow clears. This year he took the vacuum cleaner out as it didn't snow much and didn't leave the same amount of sand in the yard.

While this sounds absolutely absurd, it's completely normal for me and I love it. I'm not white trash, per se, just trash-tastic? I don't really know how to describe it. Trashy by association? Either way, it feels so good to feel like a person again. I'm going to start looking for another job soon as I can't live off savings forever but for now I'm enjoying my semblance of normalcy, whatever that may be.

I'm trying to remind myself that there are so many things to smile about so I thought I'd make myself a virtual list in place of a blog post.

Sleeping in
A hug from a child
A home-cooked meal
Snow days, hot cocoa and a cuddle buddy
Cuddle buddies, in general
Seeing a concert with your BFF
Staying in your PJs all day
Freshly-painted toenails
A hot shower then curling up in a nice, cool bed
Crisp, cotton sheets
Your favorite hooded sweatshirt
Your favorite song on the radio
Your favorite song from the 90s on the radio
A kind smile from a stranger
Air-popped popcorn

I'm sure I could go on and on, but I'm already feeling less crappy then when I started this post.

I've had to block almost everyone that I used to work with on my personal facebook. Nobody understands why I quit, nor will they ever get that I just couldn't handle working there anymore. I tried to explain that I felt like junk all the time, sleeping on and off all day long, never having the energy to do anything. My mental well-being, family life and friendships have been suffering for far too long. Most people just assumed that I was just trying to get out of work and being a baby about everything. Some actually cared enough to swing by my house and see if I was alright. It was nice to know that people care, but I wish they would just leave me alone. We weren't really friends anyways, we were co-workers. We didn't chat outside of work, we didn't go out, see one another. We talked about superficial things that didn't really matter and you ended up somehow with a false sense of our friendship being more than it was because you felt like you knew me because you had access to my facebook posts. Facebook doesn't define me, dudes. Just because you caught a glimpse, doesn't mean we're tight.

Wow...so didn't mean for that to be such a rant.

Anyways, off to search for employment. If it doesn't work out I'll come back and shake my titties all over the interwebz. Lol.

i quit my job tonight. I have never quit a job before without incredible amounts of notice. I'm so relieved and so scared all at the same time. I've been struggling for a long time to feel like a normal person, to figure out what's wrong with me and I think working overnights has a lot to do with it. I have no energy, no motivation, no drive when I'm working. It's not a terrible job, but I feel like everytime I went in for a shift, a piece of me was being left behind. I'm sure that doesn't make sense and I'm seriously terrified because I have no safety net, but I feel so fucking free right now.

Fuck. I really am scared. It's too late to second-guess myself. It's done.

I have accomplished so much today and it's only 11:30 in the morning. I'm finally starting to feel like a normal person again and that's such a wonderful thing for me. I slept for about 6 hours last night, which really isn't much considering I woke up a few times, but I still did it. Granted, I've been awake since 4:30 this morning, but I've updated all my profiles/websites/twitter stuff, paid all the household bills, cleaned my bedroom, watched a few shows that I haven't had time to see lately and did the dishes. That's seriously more than I do sometimes in a week and I've done it in the last few hours. Delightful.

Now I think I'm gonna go take a nice, hot, long, relaxing shower and lounge around until I have to work tonight.